Best Two Line Jokes

  1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

  2. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

    If anything, it made him more sluggish.

  3. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”

    But John came fifth, and won a toaster

  4. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

    Aye Matey.

  5. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

    Poor bastard.

  6. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    You look for the fresh prints.

  7. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building

    He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

  8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

  9. Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism

  10. I tried to catch fog yesterday,

    Mist.

  11. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  12. A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!”

    Herman said, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

  13. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

    A pool table.

  14. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

    Then they call me ugly and poor.

  15. Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
    It suffered from withdrawals.