If Dr. Suess wrote the bible, what would be your favorite passage of scripture?

  1. Don’t stabbeth your neighbor with a big pointy knife,

    Or covet his buxomous, lustimous wife.

    And honor thy parents, they raised you so well,

    But don’t honor false gods or you’ll go straight to hell.

    Don’t steal from your neighbors, not soft furs nor breads,

    Or falsely claim Jacob wears frogs on his head.

    Don’t cheat on your spouse, for it would be a pain,

    To wake up to her screaming my own name in vain.

    Remember young Jews, take the sabbath with glee,

    But remember, you shall have no other gods before me.

    -EDIT: Thank you for Gold! Never thought I’d have two my first time! Glad so many enjoyed this.

  2. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fi . . . wait. . . Three Fish, Four Fish, Five Fish . . .

  3. Ezekiel 23:20 “There she flooped after her lovers til her flu-floopers were sore, whose slum-slunkers and blum-bloopers were like those of donkeys and more, and whose emission was like that of the horses next door.”

  4. “Attention attention my daughters and sons. The end times of mankind has truly begun. I’m sending four horseman to travel around, and the sound of the horses will tremble the ground. The White horse is sickness, and plagues does he carry. No laughter, no fun, just more dysentery. The red horse is next violent, destruction his course. War is the rider that rides on this horse. The black horse rides next and it’s name is famine, it eats up all of the food to the very last salmon. The final rider on the pale horse, so grim. This Rider is Death, no escaping from him. My friends and my children I fear this is it, it’s time now for the Apocalypse

  5. ‘Good golly, how jolly! How funny,’ said God –
    ‘How strangishly strange and how oddishly odd!
    You’re fighting and biting and smiting again –
    It’s time I demanded commandments of ten!

    ‘Though gods are a blast and a riot of joy –
    A party of pleasure to treasure, my boy –
    I’m certainly certain, I’m sure you’ll agree,
    There’s no one who’s wholly more holy than me!

    ‘Devotion’s the notion of honour and truth –
    Don’t bridle it worshipping idols in youth!
    If ‘Jesus!‘ or ‘Heavens!‘ you’re heard to have cursed –
    That’s blasphemy, brother, and christ, it’s the worst!

    ‘A Sunday’s a fun-day for glory begun –
    For hymns to the brim, and for songs by the ton!
    Remember to cherish your mommy and dad;
    They messed you up good, but they aren’t all that bad!

    ‘Adultery, stealing – they’re pleasant, of course –
    But totally banned with celestial force!
    They share a perception; it’s perfectly clear –
    Don’t take what you haven’t acquired sincere!

    ‘Be honest, contented, and pleased with your load –
    Don’t weep full of woe for the wealth that you’re ‘owed’;
    Be happy and clappy and merry in mind –
    Be spriteful, delightful, and kindly-inclined!

    ‘But mightily, vitally valued of all –
    No matter the reason, enormous or small –
    Don’t murder another. Go forth, and go far.

    And don’t eat crustaceans. Those things are bizarre.’

  6. Elisha was walking, on a day that was sunny.
    When some children approached him,
    said his bald head was funny.

    They laughed and they pointed, they made him feel bad.
    They mocked him, which rocked him – and made him so mad!

    He stayed as they teased him, and then decided to go,
    he turned back to face them, saying “I’m God’s friend, you know…”

    And as soon as he said that, a chill rose in the air.
    “Look!” the kids shouted. “In the trees, it’s a bear!”

    But it wasn’t just one bear, holy smokes, it was two!
    And they massacred those kids, as bears are known to do.

    They mauled them, and hauled them – and tore them apart.
    Over there flew a leg, over here flew a heart.

    And Elisha just watched, then he winked to the skies.
    “I’m happy I know God, and that God likes bald guys.”

    2 Kings 2:23-25

  7. Horton wept.

  8. “I do not like to eat the ham”

    Are you sure?” said Sam-I-Am.

    “I wont have bacon or even spam.”

    “You sure are picky” said Sam-I-Am.

    Would you eat a piece of pork?

    Or chow down some ribs with a fork?

    “No Sam, you’re making me contrary.

    And also I can’t mix meat with dairy.”

  9. 1 Horse, 2 Horse, 3 Horse, 4 Horse, apocalyptic equine death source.

  10. I am Jesus, Jesus-I-Am

    That Jesus-I-Am, That Jesus-I-Am, I will not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    Will you deny that Jesus-I-Am? I will not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    Would you deny that Jesus-I-Am? Would you deny him here or there? I would not deny him here or there. I would not deny him anywhere. I would not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    Would you deny him in a house? Would you deny him with a mouse? I would not deny him in a house. I would not deny him with a mouse. I would not deny him here or there. I would not deny him anywhere. I would not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    Would you deny him in a box? Would you deny him with a fox? Not in a box, not with a fox, not in a house, nor with a mouse. I would not deny him here or there. I would not deny him anywhere. I would not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    Would you? Could you? In a car? Deny him, deny him, yes you are! I would not, could not, in a car.

    You will deny him, Peter you see, you will deny him times three.

    I would not, could not deny him times three. Not in a car, you let me be! I will not deny him in a box, I will not deny him with a fox, I will not deny him in a house, I will not deny him with a mouse. I will not deny him here or there. I will not deny him anywhere. I will not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    Peter!
    If you listen to me
    You will deny him
    You will see.

    You will deny that Jesus-I-Am
    You will deny him in a car, you will deny him in a box, you will deny him with a fox, you will not deny him in a house, you will deny him with a mouse. You will deny him here or there. You will deny him anywhere. I will deny that Jesus-I-Am.

    I did deny that Jesus-I-Am
    I did, I did
    I’m sorry
    I’m sorry
    Jesus-I-Am

  11. Genesis 19, where Lot’s daughters seduce him.

    Hop, Pop, we like to hop on Pop.

  12. “One day,” God said, “This is what I will do. I’ll send down my son, I’ll send him to you, to clear up this humpity bumpity hullabaloo. His name will be Christ and he’ll never wear shoes. And his pals will all call him the King of the Jews!”
    He didn’t come in a plane, he didn’t come in a jeep, he didn’t come in the pouch of a high-jumping vo veep. He road on the back of a black sassatoo – which is the BLACKIEST creature you ever could view.

    He road to Jerusalem – home of the grumpity Jews – where false prophets were worshipped, some even in two’s. There was Murray von Muir and Genghis Vo Vooze – the one you could worship by taking a snooze.

    Christ spoke from a mound, which is a pile of ground and people gathered around without making a sound. Thus he spake . . . Sin in socks, socks full of sin. How do we quiet this Jehovity din? “Do unto others as they do unto you” That includes you young Timothy Foo!! (points to a little boy) One pharisee said to another he knew – What shall we do with this upitty Jew?

    ‘We can wash him in wine and make him all clean and into Sam Zittle’s crucifixion machine! Twirl the gawhirl and release the gavlease and in go the nails as fast as you please.’

    And it is said that he said as he bled –
    ‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in toe crampity shoes.’

    Kids In The Hall already killed this.

  13. For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, so we could live forever, each and everyone.

  14. In the beginning was nothing, not even a mite.

    God stubbed his toe and said, “Let there be light!”

    Said the darkness: “If you’re joking, then we do not get it,”

    For it was formless and void and addicted to Reddit.

    So God he divided the darkness from day,

    And all of the whining soon went away.

    The waters he blew on with a big heave-hum-ho,

    And land came to be, and mountains with snow.

    God said, “not too bad – a bit dull around noon

    “I’d better spangle the skies with stars and a moon

    “And a sun that can set and flig-tigglingly rise,

    “And the birds will flip out and I’ll say it’s for signs.”

    But then God made creatures to creep and to crawl,

    And one tedious dipshit gave names to them all,

    Whose own name was Adam, and his fetish was ribs,

    So God made him a ribgirl, but not any kids.

    The creatures were flapping and swimming and mooing

    And Cthulhu – called Leviathan – was humming and hooing

    And even the harpies and unicorns bonded

    But God was exhausted, and on Saturday nodded.

    Then said a big snake as he dropped from a tree,

    “You people are nerds, come eat apples with me,”

    And Eve was like, “Whoa man, will this get me high?”

    “You’ll know you’re butt naked, and what’s special about guys.”

    So then God was pissed, and smited the miss,

    With original sin, and it hurt when she pissed,

    And also when birthing both Abel and Cain,

    Who were totally shitlords and gave Eve a bad name.

    One was a killer and the other deceased,

    Cain went off to live with the folks in the East.

    And now we’re all screwed, Cain’s blue and tattooed,

    Because apples are gateways to knowing you’re lewd.

  15. The sun did not shine

    It was too wet to play

    So we sat ‘neath the tree

    All that cold, cold, wet day

    I sat there with Evie

    We sat there, we two.

    And I said, “How I wish

    We had something to do!”

    Too wet to go out

    And too cold to name beasts

    So we couldn’t do anything

    But sit beneath trees.

    So all we could do was to

    Sit!

     Sit!
    
    
          Sit!
    
               Sit!
    

    And we did not like it

    Not one little bit.

    And then something went ‘Thump’!

    How that bump made us jump!

    We looked!

    Then we saw him climb up in the leaves

    We looked!

    And we saw him!

    The Snake in the Trees.

    And he said to us,

    “Why do you sit in this breeze?”

    “I know it is wet

    And the sun is not sunny

    So you should live

    In a home, like this bunny!”

    “I know how to build lots of things,”

    Said the Snake

    “I know some new tricks

    And some stuff we can make

    A lot of good tools.

    I will show them to you.

    Your Father

    Will not mind at all if I do.”

    Then Evie and I

    Did not know what to say.

    Our Father was out of

    the Garden that day.

    But the Angel said “No!

    Make that snake go away!

    Tell that Snake in the bush

    You don’t want him to stay.

    He should not be here.

    He should not be about.

    He should not be here

    When Jehovah is out!”

    “Now! Now! Have no fear,

    Have no fear!” Said the Snake.

    “My knowledge is fair.”

    And he smiled as he spake.

    “Why, we can have

    Lots of good fun, if you dare,

    Just bite on this apple,

    Your father won’t care.”

    “Remember” the Angel

    cried out as he spake

    “The fruit of THAT tree

    He has said NOT to take!”

    “Have no fear!” said the Snake.

    “I will not let you fall.

    I will teach you about

    Everything, all in all.

    I will tell you of clothes

    And of pleasure and then

    I will show you all new kinds

    Of ways you can sin.”

    “Look at me!

    Look at me now!” said the Snake

    “If you eat of this apple

    Then you’ll be awake.

    You will know right from wrong

    You will see as HE sees

    Then you can decide

    How to act as YOU please.”

    That is what the snake said

    As Eve looked in my eye

    She said “I’m just not sure

    ’bout this little guy.

    He says lots of things

    That sound real nice to hear,

    But what would our Father say?

    That’s just not clear.”

    And our Angel spoke up “Think of

    What you were taught!”

    He said, “Will HE like this?

    Oh, no! HE will not.

    This is not a good thing

    You do not wish to know

    What will happen if you

    Let him show what he shows.”

    Then he turned to the snake

    and he said “You should go.

    Their Father will punish you

    for your ego.

    You should not be here

    When our Father is not.

    You get out of this wood

    Or else you will be caught!”

    “But I like to be here.

    And I don’t want to stop!”

    Said the Snake in the Tree

    to the Angel up top.

    “I will not go away.

    I do not wish to go!

    And so,” Said the snake

    And so,

    So

    so

      so
    
         so...
    

    I will show you

    Some more good things that you should know!”

    And then he crawled down

    and as quick as a blink,

    He looked up at us and said

    “Here’s what I think.

    The best part of you has been

    blocked from your mind.

    You can have LOTS of fun

    when you two are combined.”

    Then he sat up at us

    And he said with a grin

    “Now this is what we call

    Original Sin.

    On your skin are two things

    I will show to you now.

    You will like these two things.”

    Said the snake with a bow.

    “If you just take a bite

    of this apple I brought

    You will learn of this Sin

    and will like it a lot.

    I will tell you all how

    And you’ll learn something new

    with those things; let us call them

    Thing One and Thing Two.

    These Things will not bite you.

    They want to have fun!

    If you’ll just let me show you

    Thing Two and Thing One!”

    And Evie and I

    Did not know what to do,

    We did not know what it meant

    To learn something new.

    The Angel said “No!

    Please just listen to me!

    Those things are intended

    For Biology.

    Your Father will tell you

    But please listen now!

    You must not eat the fruit

    That He did not allow.

    He should not be here

    When your Father is not!

    Put him out! Put him out!

    You don’t know what Snake sought.”

    “Have no fear, Angel friend”

    Said the Snake in the grass

    “The things that you fear

    They will not come to pass!”

    And then turning to Eve

    The snake said “Is it clear

    What God Said of this fruit?”

    The snake looked with a sneer.

    “IF we touch it or look at it

    Then Surely we’ll die.”

    Evie said, “It’s the only rule

    We must abide.”

    “Surely not!” Said the Snake

    “You will not surely die!

    It is good fruit!” he said

    “I would not tell a lie!”

    The Angel and I

    Did not know what to say.

    Evie looked at the Snake

    and the Fruit, then away.

    She reached up and touched

    The Fruit up in the tree

    She pulled it right off and then

    Looked right at me.

    She took a big bite and then

    Started to chew,

    And her eyes lit up

    As she said to me “You

    Must try this new fruit

    God forbade us to eat!

    It is good, Oh so good!

    It is ever so sweet!”

    And the serpent crawled off

    As I looked in her eyes

    And I took from her hand

    The great fruit of the wise.

    I took a big bite

    And I saw it was true!

    There was so much to learn!

    There was so much that’s new!

    Then we noticed the Things

    That the Snake told us of,

    And we felt quite ashamed

    Of this new kind of love

    So we knitted the leaves

    Of a fig tree found near

    And then to our great horror

    Oh, what should we hear?

    “Say Adam and Evie,

    Oh where did you go?

    I must talk to you.”

    Said Father “Hello?

    Where are you?” He said

    And then I replied “Here…

    I heard you and ’cause I was

    Naked I feared

    That you would be angry

    with Evie and me.”

    Then God looked at us and said

    “How can this be?

    Who said you were naked?

    Did you eat of the tree?”

    Then I said, “Evie ate it

    And gave it to me.”

    And God looked at the woman

    and said to here “Eve”,

    But before he continued she said

    “I was deceived

    By that snake that you saw

    Run away over there

    By the bush.” And God

    Looked with a glare

    At the Serpent and said

    “You are Cursed now, you hear?

    For the thing you have done,

    You will now live in fear.

    You will crawl on your belly

    You will only eat dust

    And one day, Eve’s Grandchild

    Will do what he must

    To correct this error

    With a great thing that’s just.”

    To the woman He said

    “Eve, just to be clear,

    I will now make your childbirthing

    Pain quite severe.

    And also, you must

    Be Obedient now

    To Adam, your husband,

    Obey him somehow.”

    To me he said

    “Adam, you’ve made a mistake

    By listening to Eve

    You will hurt, you will ache.

    The Earth will not mind you,

    No it will not obey,

    So hard work will sustain you

    Throughout all of your day.

    By the sweat of your brow

    You will work for your food

    Til’ the day that you die,

    Then Adam, well, you’d

    Turn back to dust

    Since from dust you were taken.

    You shouldn’t have listened

    To Eve; you’re mistaken

    To think that My Word

    Would be quickly forgot.

    And now stay in this Garden

    Is something you’ll not

    Continue to do,

    I’m afraid you must leave.”

    Then Eve and I wept

    as we turned, and we grieved.

    This Paradise Lost

    That we once had, forever

    Was forbidden to us

    And then God said “However…

    Before you should go,

    I will take care of you

    For you are my children

    and I will see you through.”

    And He gave them new clothes

    Made of warmer fur choices

    And then sent them away

    With a cry in their voices.

    For Adam and Eve were

    Removed from His Grace,

    As they gazed at the new Earth

    And then took their place.

    I turned to my love

    And said “I shall not fear,

    For though this is sad,

    I am with you, my dear.

    The future is hard, but

    We will persevere.

    Together we will

    Be Earth’s new pioneer.”

    We turned from the Garden,

    To the East we were led

    To begin our new lives

    A new pathway to tread.