Smell your fingers right now. What do they smell like?

  1. 5 guys double bacon cheeseburger.

  2. Fingers.

  3. Malt vinegar and sea salt chips. I like them better than regular vinegar and sea salt chips.

  4. I’m gonna start a tally. So far we have:

    Food – 46

    meat x8

    cheese x3

    chips (doritos and cheetos included) x8

    peanut butter x3

    onions

    chex mix

    kit kat

    pistachio nuts

    barbeque

    sushi x2

    pretzels

    oranges x2

    cheeseburger

    cabbage

    japanese gravy boat

    pizza x2

    pho

    papaya

    chocolate x3

    pickles x2

    garlic x3

    kettle corn

    spices x2

    Body Parts/Fluids – 22

    fingers

    vagina x 5

    balls and/or weiner x3

    cum

    ear wax x3

    blood x2

    sweat x2

    tears

    baby’s butt

    poo

    sex

    ear cheese

    Hygienic Substance – 21

    soap x6

    hand sani

    lysol

    lotion x2

    aloe

    dog shampoo

    human shampoo x2

    body wash

    gold bond

    baby powder x2

    baby wipes

    concealer… from a man

    Vicky’s Secret sex cream

    Tobacco – 13

    Alcohol – 3

    whiskey

    liquor

    absinthe

    Weed – 2

    Coffee – 4

    Manly stuff – 7

    beard balm

    oil

    grease

    jet fuel

    resin

    plutonium

    soot

    My Mom – 7

    My Wife – 1

    My Sister – 1

    **My Dad…* – 1

    Me – 1

    Other – 13

    Pokemon cards

    plastic and fresh paint

    pull up bar

    mold

    wet puppy

    metal slinky

    money x3

    campfire

    chlorine x2

    friction… from air guitar?

    EDIT: There’s too many!! I’ll come back and update this later.

  5. (Don’t say your moms pussy, don’t say your mom pussy, don’t say your mom pussy…) Your dads butt?

  6. Kit Kat and cigarettes. No explanation needed

  7. Balls. I had an itch.

  8. Soap. Just washed my hands. It’s not even any nice soap. Just generic soap.

  9. Weed.

    It wasn’t mine. Some kid asked me to hold it for him. I swear it!

  10. Vagina. I just masturbated.

  11. Sweat and shampoo. Took a shower before the ibuprofen wore off, so I felt fine. Then my fever came back and I took more ibuprofen. Now my fever is breaking and I’m sweating so goddamn much.

    TLDR two hours ago I was cocooned in a blanket shivering with a temperature of 101, now I’m hot as hell. The flu is a bitch.

  12. Cabbage…i may be a carney

  13. Wet puppy. I just finished washing my foster pup

  14. The spinal column from a Japanese gravy boat.

  15. Onions. Ate a hoagie.

What would you do if 99% of the human population suddenly disappeared?

  1. Suddenly become a much more desirable employee.

  2. Start a farm, find a wife, repopulate.

  3. Live the life of the 1%.

  4. I think about this ALL THE TIME. I’d get a car, and explore everything. All the weird houses near me with the strange neighbours. I’d look through their drawers and see what food they bought. Then drive to a city and look in all the stock rooms of supermarkets and kitchens in my favourite restaurants and see what went on.

    I’d basically be a nosy bugger, and I really wish this would happen just one time.

  5. disappear, statistically speaking.

  6. Get a dog, a sweet mustang, move to manhattan and hunt deer to survive. You know, typical Will Smith stuff.

  7. No pants day in times square

  8. Complain to myself about no new posts on reddit.

  9. Hope that the total number of humans was a multiple of 100 – otherwise we’d have a partially-disappeared person somewhere

  10. Still not be rich enough to be in the 1%

  11. 7,125,000,000*.01= 71 million people. That’s still a pretty good sized population. There would definitly still be people around. However lots of things that we take for granted wouldn’t work correctly. The first thing I would do would be to find out if I knew anyone who was alive and start to reestablish society and rule of law.

  12. Watch porn with the volume up

  13. I’d head for Boulder, Colorado.

    Fuck it, who am I trying to kid – Vegas, baby!

  14. I think the smartest thing to do would be to start stock-piling seeds, live-stock, generators, fuel, and other long-term survival necessities.

    With 99% of people gone, essential services are going to start shutting down within a matter of weeks. Electricity will be one of the first to go because it requires the most inputs and labor. Water will also go quickly.

    So, you’d probably want to take over some house that has access to fresh water, that’d be a huge help. A built-in generator would be good too – although without oil refineries you’re going to run out of usable fuel in a year or two. There will be plenty of cars about with tanks full of gas, but the shelf life of gasoline is only about 6 months. Longer if it’s not exposed to the air. Really the best option would be to find yourself a small hydro-electric generator and a house by a creek or river.

    Aside from those things, food will become a big issue at some point. There will be canned goods, but those don’t last forever, so at some point you’re going to need to start growing/raising your own food. You’d really want to try to connect with as many survivors in your area as possible and collaborate with them as it will make many of things easier/possible.

  15. eat a food

What is your MOST OFFENSIVE JOKE?

  1. Called the rape advice hotline. Turns out it’s only for victims.

  2. What would Martin Luther King be if he wasn’t black?

    Alive.

  3. I’d tell the one about Jonestown but the punch line is too long.

  4. How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?

    None, he fell.

  5. Three pregnant women are sitting in their OB-gyn’s waiting room, each knitting a sweater for her unborn baby.

    The first one takes a pill: “That’s vitamin C, I want my baby to be healthy.”

    The second one takes a pill: “That’s iron, I want my baby to be strong.”

    The third one takes a pill: “That’s thalidomide, I messed up the sleeves.”

  6. A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

    A homeless man walks up to her.

    She sees the man coming and says, “Go away! There’s nothing you can say to change my mind!”

    He says, “Well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why don’t we have sex? At least I’ll enjoy it.”

    “Absolutely not! You’re disgusting!”, she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.

    “Is that all you’re going to say? You’re not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?”

    “I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you’ll still be warm!”, he says.

  7. What do you call five black people having sex?

    A threesome.

  8. If your girlfriend bleeds the first time you have sex with her: tell her to get used to it.

    In a few years time, she’ll bleed every month.

  9. Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.

  10. What is better than winning the gold at the special olympics? Not being retarded.

  11. I just don’t know what my opinion on abortion is man… I mean I’m all about murdering tiny babies, but giving women a choice….

  12. Whats a word the begins with N, ends in R and you never want to a call a black person?

    Neighbor

  13. What’s the hardest thing about being a pedo?

    Fitting in.

  14. An old man is walking into a dark forest at night, hand in hand with a six-year-old girl.

    “I’m scared,” she whimpers.

    You’re scared? I have to walk back alone!”

What’s the biggest red flag you’ve ever ignored?

  1. I blew off some intense pain in my calf thinking it was a muscle pull or something. Let it go until I ended up in the emergency room unable to breath with searing chest pain. I had blood clots in my legs that made their way to my lungs. 2 pulmonary embolisms.

  2. She bought me a car after we dated for ~4-6 months. Not a used one or anything – a brand new 2000 Celica GT, cash.

    She later tried to hit me in the head with a cow skull, slashed tires, etc etc.

    Edit: Added pic of the car.

  3. Had black poop for four days. Ignored it. I was popping too much ibuprofen and had a stomach bleed and was bleeding internally. Finally went to the hospital once I started feeling really sick and weak. Turns out that I had lost over half my blood. The doctor told me that within hours I would have gone into shock and died if I hadn’t gone to the hospital when I did. took a few months to recover from that.

  4. She had a boyfriend and told me it was only cheating if she was on top.

  5. Went on a date with a girl who had to stop at a liquor store to get a bottle of cheap vodka, which she proceeded to drink right from the bottle on the way to a bar. Surprise surprise, it turned out that she was a raging alcoholic.

  6. When she texted me not 5 minutes after I met her.

    Next thing Iknow I’m getting the “I don’t want to freak you out but I missed my period today and if I get pregnant I’m naming it Charles after my dad who left my mom” text.

  7. My brother and I saved his crackhead friend and his wife and kids from homelessness by moving them in with us. The idea was that they would move out in about 6 months. I noticed that date came and went with no action…and then I noticed Crackhead was drinking a lot and doing inhalants. Frankly that shopping bag full of spent Reddi Whip I saw dumped outside the front door was a huge red flag. At the time I ignored it since inhalants aren’t an illegal substance like meth or H.

    We kept associating with them (unfortunately) and brother insisted we keep a household together. There was nothing but problems and then we had to just cut contact and move on. They owed us over a grand in cash at this point & we let them have a bunch of crappy furniture (it was cheaper just to leave it with them than to move and store it)…. There was also some “police got called” incidences but I don’t wish to detail that on reddit.

    TL : DR my brother was too nice and got us ripped off. Also let crackheads stay homeless.

  8. I once befriended a guy with extreme Aspergers. We got him out and about, and he met a new group of people who were accepting of him.

    Things were by and by going well, he still had bouts of manic depression but he was fine. Weird, but who isn’t.

    He rang me one night, I was driving, and really busy. He said, “hey you know that money you owe me (we had been out and I had forgotten my wallet) I won’t need it. Don’t bother dropping it off to me tonight.” Sure thing, well I will see you this weekend and give it to you then.He seemed fine.

    Get a call from his mum the day after on my way to work, he had planned his suicide down to the smallest details. He left my number for his mum to contact me as his only true friend. Saying I was the only one who had been kind to him, the only one who cared. It was at this moment I knew he had put more onus on this friendship that I had. I had missed all the signs, been too busy with my own life to know that call was actually a good bye call. Jesus man.

    We went to his funeral, and me and my friend were almost the guests of honor. Everyone wanted to meet us, and say thanks for what we had done for him. We were humbled as to us, we had just hung out with him.

    Still get a feeling of guilt to this day when I think about him.

    edit: I am at work, and can’t reply to everyone. But I just wanted to say I have read the replies and thank you for your thoughts and insights! For those in a similar situations, I feel for you and wish you all the best!

  9. She asked me to promise we’d get married and have children when we kissed for the first time.

  10. Continued sleeping with a woman after she paused sex to ask me if hanging killed people via suffocation or by breaking their necks. I explained that if it was done correctly, the latter. Otherwise, the former. Sex resumed. Afterwards, while I was drifting off to sleep, she moaned that it would be so hot if we were both bleeding all over her white sheets.

    I was pretty tired so I just shut it out and fell asleep. Later she told me my aura informed her that one day we would live together, but that one of us would hurt the other.

    Also on one of the first nights we hooked up, she came over, drunk as hell. We had sex, then she passed out. She woke up the next morning, yelled at the sun because it was too bright, walked around my house naked and talking about how great her spray tan looked, we had sex again, she threw up in my bathroom, then she left.

  11. My ex wife was giddy about a new trainer at the gym. I asked jokingly if she wanted to fuck him. I didn’t get a response. long story short, divorced 2 months later lolz.

    Edit: outcome, she married him and popped out a kid. It took me months of recovery and support by family and friends. I’m now happily married 🙂 never let someone sink your ship.

  12. Being accused of lying and cheating. Non-stop. Turns out he was the one doing the lying and cheating…. which is usually how it works.

  13. Back when I was dating my now exwife (the second out of six siblings), and I finally got to meet her family, I was surprised at the poor, borderline abusive treatment she and the four others gave to her youngest sibling (still a teenager at the time – the others were all adults).

    I rationalized it away, believing my ex-BiL had done something very bad and he was in the middle of some family punishment. He hadn’t and it wasn’t. Now I know it was the first of several red flags that I should have heeded.

  14. The high turnover rate at my current job.

  15. She gave me a handjob before she agreed to kiss me.

As a kid what’s the creepiest, most WTF thing you ever noticed about another kid’s family?

  1. During a playdate, my sister was given a sandwich.

    The mother casually handed me a paper: bread+cheese+mayo+meat+lettuce $1.80.

    Reasonable price, but still.

  2. My cousins had bed wetting problems and had to wear diapers up until their mid-teens…their mom made me wear them too whenever I spent the night.

  3. When my cousins misbehave, they’re forced to sit in a corner and wear a freaky Halloween mask. My aunt and uncle then Put on different horrifying masks and stare at him while he stares at them. For five minutes with no music.

    My cousins are 3/5 respectively.

    EDIT: by 3/5 I mean that one cousin is 3 (a girl) and the other is 5 (the boy). No pedophile rating system, they are not slaves, they are two seprate children related to me by blood. Honestly. If I ever get a twisted idea for a horror film, I’ll run it by you guys first to see what extra sick twist I can add to it.

  4. I rode the bus home with a girl from school one day to stay the night. She had a brother who was about a year older than her, so like 8 at the time. And she had a little sister who was about 4, and a baby brother who was only 2 or so. So lots of kids in the house.

    Well, after dinner we go to the playroom, which was downstairs, while her parents stayed upstairs. The kids decided we should play house, and I was to be a child. So my friend shut me in a closet that I had to pretend was my bedroom. Pretty standard 7-year-old house playing stuff.

    Then she says, “Ok, now it’s time for Mommy and Daddy to have sex.” She then proceeded to get naked and lie on a blanket on the floor while her brother crawled on top of her (also naked) and started writhing around on top of her. I was watching this from the ajar closet door.

    My friend said, “Push it in further!” to her brother. He would say, “It can’t go in there any further!”

    Meanwhile, the 4-year-old girl kept saying- “Do me next! I want to go next!”

    Then, they stuffed the 2-year-old up her shirt and pretended she was giving birth.

    I was seriously disturbed by all that. I didn’t go to her house after that.

  5. My next door neighbors (they were kids my age) used to get super dressed up in their nicest clothes every Saturday and go to Kmart. I remember one day my friend asked if I wanted to go to Kmart with them, and I was game. So went and asked my mom, called him and said I could. He said they’d be ready in about 30 minutes. So I met them at their car, they were all dressed up in their Sunday best (but it was Saturday), and they looked at me like I was insane for wearing a Bart Simpson shirt and camouflage shorts.

    I went with them, and when we got to the store my friend asked me quietly why I wasn’t dressed up. My only response was “Uhh.. because it’s Kmart?” They never asked me back. But from then on I noticed every Saturday they did that.

    They’d stay there for like 3 hours, doing all kinds of shopping. I still don’t quite get it.

  6. I had a friend whose family had just moved to Canada when I was in grade 2 and her dad didn’t want her or her siblings making friends with any little white Canadian kids.

    Her mom would invite me over to play during the day, and then make sure I was gone before the dad was back.

  7. Kid’s dad had built him a “club house” in their back yard. The kid took me back there to show me around, and there were several sloppily dissected animals scattered around it. He called them his pets.

    I noped the fuck home as politely as an 8 year old could.

  8. Kid at my school used to eat paste, not too uncommon for young kids I suppose. He was a nice enough kid though, so when he invited me to his house, I kindly accepted. Lo and behold, I walk into the house and I see his dad in the living room eating paste.

    I guess the excessive love of Elmer’s is hereditary.

  9. Her crazy father left the water in the Kraft Dinner. He would boil it, add the cheese powder to the pot with overdone noodles and water still in it, and serve it as some heinous KD soup. It was disgusting, and should be considered a serious crime in Canada.

  10. OK. I’ve seen this post before so I’ll tell the story again. I lived on a terrible housing estate in London when I was younger and I had a friend who lived a few doors from me in the flat. His name was Nicky and we used to play firetrucks on his carpet. I started to notice something was off, different men would walk into the house and see his mother in the bedroom, also the interior of the flat was covered with florescent lights, christmas lights. When I asked him whom the men were he’d just say ‘dad’, but Nicky was black and some of these men were white. I didn’t think anything of it until I asked my mum and she told me. Nicky’s mum was a hooker who convinced her 7 year old son that his dad was a shapeshifter, he’d think all the clients were his father. I never went round again and he left the estate. That was 30 years ago and it still gives me shivers. A fucking shapeshifter.

  11. One time I went over to a friends house to pick him up to go to the park, nobody answered the door, so I went around back to see if they were back there… They were.

    My friends dad had him tied to a tree and was whipping him with a TV Antenna. I noped out of there and told my mom. But I was too young to remember what happened other than his Dad moved away shortly there after.

  12. My first week at a new high school I made friends with this guy who seemed pretty normal and he invited me to his place after school one day. We get to his place and his older brother (16ish) is on the playstation so we go outside and kick a ball for a while. It was all very normal stuff, until we go back inside and into the lounge. I was expecting us to play some Gran Turismo or whatever but instead what happened has scared me for life.

    My new friend goes to the tv, puts a video in the vcr, fast forwards for a while and then pauses on a shot of some girls tits. Then both of these brothers whip out their cocks and start jerking off. I’m sitting there, confused as hell, not knowing what to do. But before I even had a chance to politely excuse myself from the proceedings, my new friend dropped to his knees and sprayed his pubescent load all over the carpet. On the fucking carpet.

    I thanked him for a wonderful afternoon and made a hasty departure.

  13. The Dad was very drunk on a weekday afternoon, first thing he said to me when I walked in the door, “What are you looking at ass face?”

  14. My parents had friends when I was a kid who would let their dogs shit on the floor and they would just let it sit there. The place stank exactly like you would expect. They had large dogs, too. It was awful.

    I don’t think we went back over there after the first or second time. And they didn’t stay friends for long. Their kids were as dirty as their house, too.

  15. They all cleaned completely naked. Dusting, sweeping, moping, mom, dad, son ~11, daughter ~9. Best part is, they went to private school, and couldn’t play with the neighborhood kids because, “they were weird”.

Girls, what item of clothing on guys immediately turns *you* off?

  1. Tucking a shirt in without a belt bugs me.

  2. Over-sized clothing. I’m convinced most of the guys I know think they’re a size XL when they’re all really Ms.

  3. When guys wear sunglasses on the back of their head, it’s the absolute worst.

  4. Those Ed Hardy style t-shirts with ridiculous busy graphics and logos. Bonus nope points if it’s MMA related.

    Keep it simple, fellas.

  5. -anything metallic

    -anything with too deep a v

    -anything that has a specialized font (affliction)

    -Ed hardy

    -nothing with rhinestones for god’s sake

    -overuse of hair gel

    -white sunglasses

  6. Guys, a pair of jeans that fit you really well is well worth the splurge.

  7. TIL I don’t have terrible fashion sense.

  8. Super deep V-necks are atrocious. I don’t don’t want to see man cleavage.

    Edit: People keep commenting/messaging me about v-necks like I’m some kind of neckline connoisseur. All I know is that deep v’s looks stupid, I don’t know how many inches is too low.

    Edit 2: I don’t give a fuck if the picture is of a gay porn star. His occupation is irrelevant, why have 50 of you decided to point this out? I just found a picture of a dude wearing a low v-neck shirt on google.

  9. My girlfriend told me that affliction anything in a guys dating profile was an instant nope. Said she has yet to meet a guy wearing an affliction shirt who wasn’t a douchebag. I totally agree.

    Edit: wording

  10. Anything overly accessorized.

    knew a guy whose plugs matched his belt buckle and shoes, all virgin mary print.

    not attractive.

  11. Please don’t say anything to no-show socks. Please I like them

  12. I’ve put about 0% effort into the clothes i wear and i can safely say I don’t match any of these. Being a guy is sometimes pretty simple.

  13. Baggy pants and/or having their underwear hang out over the top of their pants. No. Just no. Especially the guys who do it on purpose to look “cool.”

  14. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nerdy guy (am married to one) but any guy who wears a shiny button down, or one with a dragon on it, or with an anime character is an instant TURN OFF!!

  15. Thumb rings, or other excessive jewelry.

What outright fucking sucks?

  1. That moment when your stomach drops because you just realized you REALLY fucked up and there’s nothing you can do but deal with the shitty consequences.

  2. Being the only one in your group not invited to a thing hosted by the group

  3. Alzheimer’s

  4. Job-hunting

  5. The feeling that I have no future at all.

    Its all I can think about all the time right now :/

  6. Toothache.

  7. Not getting enough sleep

  8. Jobhunting. You spend your whole day trying to think of people who might employ you, doing your best to make yourself sound great through the endless online applications and resumes, and feel worse about yourself with each day that passes without a call back. You start looking at shittier and shittier jobs, wishing you didn’t have to consider them. You don’t have any money to do anything for fun with all of your free time, so you try to dedicate it to pure jobhunting, but the more you try without getting responses/offers/anything, the less you want to keep trying. Nobody owes you a damn thing. You have to continually keep putting yourself “out” there. Show up to a business and walk in looking nice with a freshly-edited resume and cover letter and letters of recommendation and everything, and the nice secretary lady smiles and says “We only accept online applications, thanks,” so you apply online over the course of hours (because you have to upload your resume, but ALSO you have to rewrite it into their website’s fields), congratulate yourself for at least trying, then never hear from them again.

    You can no longer make a good impression by walking in, appearing confident and striking up a conversation with somebody in authority/somebody with the power to give you a job. It’s all online.

    You keep trying. Must appear confident/worthwhile. Nobody’s answering. Feel worse about self. No money to do anything, sit around all day, try to exercise, at least, but damn. Motivation’s drying up. You see people doing jobs for 40k a year that you could do drunk, blindfolded and upside-down, but those jobs are somehow off-limits to you.

    I could go on. This shit is eating my brain, and it’s only been a few weeks.

  9. Losing trust in someone.

  10. Having to be at work with no real work to do while not being allowed to do anything but pretend to work.

  11. Anxiety attacks.

  12. Roommates that don’t do their dishes.

  13. Mosquitos.

  14. Knowing your pet is getting very old and it might be time to say goodbye.

  15. Living paycheck to paycheck for a decade +