why does a period have to take 4-7 days? Why can’t it all come out at once, like a poop?

  1. There is a good evolutionary reason for a longer period of menses.

    Most mammals do not have a menstrual cycle. They have an estrus cycle, in which the endometrium is resorbed by the body and not shed.

    In animals with an estrous cycle, there are overt signs that they animal is ready to become pregnant. and they generally only accept a mate when they are fertile.

    Primates will accept a mate at any time in their cycle, and there are less overt signs that a female is ovulating (there is a lot of debate as to how well primate males are able to detect ovulation).

    Menses solves this problem, as it gives a visual indicator of what point a female is in her cycle. The male just waits until he stops seeing blood, and then knows that the next week and a bit is going to be the most fertile time

  2. You know I wish we could control our flow like we can our urine. It would be so nice. No more napkins, pads, cups, or tampons. Life would be good.

  3. Just gonna drop this here….

  4. would you rather have a period every day or two like poopin’? OR hold your poop in til the 28th day then poop for 4-7 days?

  5. A more likely be explanation is that at the end of your period ( just before the commencement of blood) the endometrium is thick and plump. The loss of hormones causes the blood vessels supplying this tissue to spasm and die. Then the endometrium sloughs off (mental image) slowly as if part of your legs was declined it’s blood. Slowly your toes would fall off one by one, never all the piggies at once!!

Why is transporting more than $10,000 cash illegal?

  1. It isn’t against the law, but if you get caught with that much cash the authorities see it as a ‘red flag’ of illegal activity.

    The legal significance of 10k in cash is that anything purchased greater than that amount has to be directly reported to the IRS.

  2. Well, it’s not really illegal, but people get weird when you buy things in lots of cash.

    I bought my triumph motorcycle with 20 dollar bills…all $14,000 worth.
    I did it for fun, took the money out of my ATM $500 per day. Nobody ever said anything, but the sales guy seemed a bit nervous when I said OK, I’ll take it, and started pulling wads of cash out of my messenger bag.

    I also withdrew $12,000 from my account one day (to move it to another account at a different bank) and they gave me a form to fill out. When the form asked what it was for, I wrote in “strippers and beer.” The teller looked at me like I was a psycho but didn’t say anything.

  3. It’s not illegal to trasnport more than $10,000 in cash. Check out this link from the government CTR Reporting Info

    edit for more info:

    What is the Currency Transaction Report? A report that must be filed with the IRS for currency transactions valued at more than $10,000, or multiple transactions if they result in cash in or out totaling $10,000 during any one business day, and the financial institution knows these transactions are by or on behalf of any one person.

    Why file a Currency Transaction Report? The CTR is required by the implementing regulations of the Bank Secrecy Act (See 31 CFR 103). The Act is: (1) A federal law enacted in 1972, and subsequently amended, to detect and prevent money laundering by creating an investigative paper trail for large currency transactions and imposing civil and criminal penalties for noncompliance with its reporting requirements; (2) Federal legislation that requires banks to report cash transactions that exceed $10,000 in any single day and requires the bank maintain certain records (copies of checks paid, deposits, and so forth). The act is intended to inhibit laundering of funds obtained through illegal activities.

  4. I have a friend who keeps around $50k-$70k in his house as a disaster and emergency fund, he’s been saving it for years. He was stopped during a. Move once and they found the safe and asked to see inside. He showed them and they asked why, he said because if the banks go down, or the power goes out, or some crazy thing happens and i need cash i have plenty of it. They ask took a count of it and snapped a pic of a bunch of random bills (for the serial number I’m assuming) and sent him on his way. He never heard anything after that about it. That was almost 4 years ago. So moving it doesn’t seem to be an issue. Also he is black and so were the men helping him move. Not a word about drugs or illegal things were mentioned the entire time.

  5. Reminds me if this:
    Mistake costs dishwasher $59,000.
    http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/27/immigrant.money/

  6. It is set by the Treasury Dept. If you move more than $10,000 the bank is required to file a report with the T Dept.

    It is designed to minimize drug trafficking and terrorism support.

    The real reason is to make sure that you are reporting your income correctly.

    There really should not be an issue providing the cash a most banks. The reason most of our tellers would question it is that you would get hit over the head and someone would steal it from you.

    Source: was an SVP at a bank and had to take the stupid Patriot Act test.

  7. This was actually created in 1970 under the Bank Secrecy Act. That is when Fincen was founded to catch money launders. They set the limit at $10k since that how much money was in a stack of $100’s. All banking institutes must report to FINCEN anytime someone enters or exits the bank with over $10k in a single day. If you try to be clever and go to multiple branches technology today will pull all that info and you will be reported on. The whole process was setup to watch the flow of currency. While there are many good reasons to have that much cash on you, wholesalers, check cashing stores or buying a car, there are other ways that it is not normal. If every two weeks you are walking into a bank with $50k in cash but your occupation is waiter, then things look suspicious. Your bank can file a Suspicious Activity Report (SAR) on customers who seem to be doing illicit things with cash or their accounts. If a SAR is filed on you then law enforcement can subpena those records as a way to build their case. On an average day there are upwards of 100,000 reports filed to Financial Crimes Enforcement Network a day. A majority of those have no further action taken.
    You may remember a year or so ago HSBC got into hot water for not reporting large currency transactions that led to funding terrorism.
    Now if all this makes you unwary, don’t fret if you ever have a report filed on you as long as it’s for something legitimate. Besides what is the most cash you’ve ever really had to have on your person? For me it was $5k which is under the reporting limit.

    Reference:I work in Financial Crimes for a bank.

  8. Consider yourself lucky that you are still allowed to deal with $10,000 cash.

    Governments around the world are looking to eliminate cash transactions as they do not create the records that are required for modern surveillance and tax collection.

    France currently has a limit of 3000 EUR and intends to lower it to 1000 EUR.
    In Italy, cash transactions of 1000 EUR or higher are illegal.

    In the United States, the Treasury has previously required banks to report transactions as low as $750 under the Bank Secrecy Act source

    Your grandchildren probably won’t even know what cash is.

  9. It’s not illegal. There are professional gamblers, couriers and other people that sometimes carry more than that. You DO however, have to be ready to provide legal documentation as to the origin and purpose of that money. The same applies to entering or leaving the United States with large sums of money, as per Title 19 of the United States Code, Sections 482, 1467, 1496, 1581 and 1582; cash, checks, money orders or any other monetary instrument.

    Reference: I’m a Federal Agent with the Department of Homeland Security. I work at a major border crossing area in Southern California.

  10. $10K is an arbitrary amount chosen by our government, above which you’re considered a possible money launderer and/or tax evader. There are all sorts of laws and regulations on the books requiring people: 1) declare when they transact more than $10K in cash; and/or 2) explain in writing where the cash from in a currency transaction report (“CTR”).

    CTRs are required when a person deposits $10K in cash in a bank, spends $10K in cash on a purchase, and attempts to enter or leave the US with $10K in cash.

    It’s not illegal to transact with over $10K in cash. However, you generally have to sign the CTR under threat of criminal sanction that your explanation is true. If at some later point a law enforcement agency reviews your CTR and finds out you provided false information, that will be bad for you. As an FYI, structuring your transactions to “get around” the limit is inherently suspicious.

  11. also say you won like $100,000 in vegas. is there any safe way to transport it out of the state without the danger of cops pulling you over and confiscating it?

  12. Ironically, to get around this requirement the new form of illegal drug money transfer is in store gift cards or prepaid visas. You can have hundreds of thousands in a small suitcase and then load them remotely over the web from offshore accounts. The cops can’t do anything because the cards are blank/empty crossing the border and are loaded later.

  13. Well chief, we searched the car in and out and can’t find the money anywhere.

    Boys, we’ve got nothing. We have to let him go.

    Little did they know, they money wasn’t hidden in the car. The money was the car. I drove my way out of town and sold it for a pretty penny.

  14. Serious answer:

    1. if you carry more than $10K across the border, you must report it.

    2. Any cash transaction of more than $10K with a financial institution must be reported. This is a CTR (cash transaction report) that the bank may flag as a STR (suspicious transaction report). A bank may be punished for revealing that it filed an STR.

    3. Structuring transactions (eg, taking out $6K twice) is severely illegal, but potentially un-provable unless you yap too much.

    4. Carrying any amount of cash in the US is legal, but ‘they’ can confiscate it and force you to prove that the origin is legitimate, giving you a limited time to do so. It may revert to the local law enforcement authority. The expense of recovery can exceed the value of the money, especially if you are traveling.

    5. The amount was $10K in 1986 (the start of the requirement). It was as good as anything else. This would be $21K today, so inflation has lowered the reporting threshold by a factor of two. The odds of this being inflation indexed are basically zero, because CTRs are automated (zero-effort) and WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING CRIMINALS?

    6. Why? Money laundering, the general belief that financial privacy is not a right, and the desire of law enforcement for an ever-growing Panopticon. Any form of privacy that is not interpreted as Constitutionally enshrined will be inevitably eroded.

  15. how DARE you not voluntarily tell the government all of your personal business!

What’s a Reddit joke that you don’t understand, and would really like someone to explain to you?

  1. For more stuff like this: /r/OutOfTheLoop

  2. Any mention of Shrek spawns a lengthy comment thread of what I’m assuming are references to something… what gives?

  3. I missed a few days a week or two ago and this “gonna whoop me?” joke came up. What’s that all about?

  4. ‘Yeah you like that, you retard’ or something. Why?

  5. ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?

    I also read a thread a while ago that had 7-8 reddit famous horror stories (like the jolly rancher story)

  6. I want to know where the whole penguin of doom copypasta came from.

  7. Why do we hate Chad?

  8. What’s the deal with u/unidan?

  9. On /r/catsstandingup every comment is just the word “Cat.” And if you comment anything else it’s blue arrowed to oblivion. Just wanna know where it came from.

  10. The hunter2 as the password.
    And what is ITT?

  11. Can someone explain what happened with that damn safe? I’ve been on reddit long enough to have been in the loop but have no clue what the deal was with that

  12. SuperShibe. I mean, why a Shibe? Why dog?

  13. What the fuck is pocket sand???

  14. I missed the whole mom smelling cum story, or whatever it was. Anyone care to explain?

  15. The r/thathappened thing that people write… is it just a passive aggressive way of suggesting that they don’t believe your story?

College students, what are some tips and tricks that you know that will significantly improve college life?

  1. Go to the gym. Most big universities will likely let you go for free as it will be included in tuition. It’ll likely be clean and have top-notch equipment. You can join a club or intramural team for just about everything. Those are a good way to meet people as well.

    When you’re stressing over finals or a paper, you’d be surprised how much an hour or so at the gym will clear your mind and help you focus. Plus, it’s college, so drinking is assumed and you’re going to want to combat some of the toxins you’re drinking out of that funnel.

    Go to class. the number of people I’ve seen almost lose their goddamned minds during finals season because they didn’t go to class on a regular basis is nutty. One way to keep yourself motivated to go is to divide up your tuition that goes toward classes by the number you’re taking. Then divide that by the number of times that class meets. Find out how much money you’re flushing by skipping and see if you don’t feel like a turd for not showing up. Just go, it isn’t that hard and it’s what you’re there for anyway.

    Keep up your hygiene and appearance. This sounds obvious but you’d be surprised how many people think they can be stinky and look like a scrub just because mom isn’t around. Nobody wants to talk to the guy who looks like he just rolled out of bed, took a massive bong hit, and showed up to class without showering. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree, but being well put together, clean, and well dressed will make you more approachable. Professors and your peers will be more willing to get to know you.

    Use condoms.

  2. Nobody cares what you did in high school.

  3. College campuses have an incredible amount of resources available to students that many might not know about. The libraries are incredible. They often provide access to a lot of publications and academic resources that would be behind paywalls otherwise, not to mention movies, music, and books.

    Many colleges will have a career center with advisors that can help you figure out what you want to do after you graduate and how to line yourself up to meet those goals while you are in school. Your professors can help out with that as well, so get to know them in class and in office hours as well.

    You can also take advantage of workout facilities/courts/fields that are most likely more readily available and affordable than they would be if you were just a resident of the city.

    I mean a lot of it depends on where you go, but many colleges are basically mini self-sustaining environments. Take advantage of that fact.

  4. KEEP. YOUR. DOOR. OPEN. People will flock to an open door, you’ll make friends, you’ll play Smash Bros all night with people and college will be a breeze.

  5. Go to class. It’s unbelievable how many people skip classes. Also, get involved with student groups on campus. You’ll meet like-minded people that way. Communicate with your professors. If you can latch on to a few professors, they could end up helping you later down the road.

  6. Make sure you carve out some downtime for yourself. Especially for freshman who are adjusting to the hectic college life, it is crucial to be able to escape and find a place to relax for a little bit. You lose almost all privacy in college, especially if you have a roommate; find somewhere on campus that is quiet, and go there when you feel you are too overwhelmed. Trust me, it can really save your life.

  7. Go to your professors office hours. They will often give you a much more personalized experience. Many professors will basically tutor you, and in doing so tell you what will be on the next exam. I spent more time in office hours than class for harder subjects. Also, I feel like they are more likely to give you that little edge if they know/like you. Instead of a B+ maybe you get an A-

    • Go to class. It’s a ton easier to get by in college if you actually go to class.

    • Don’t wait until the last minute to study, because chances are it could take 30 hours to prepare, not those last 3 hours you saved to cram.

    • Don’t forget to go out and do new things, or else you might end up finding college really lonely and unable to make friends.

  8. My handwriting is awful so although this is small, some of us need all the organizational help we can get. For classes with noncumulative tests, every day when I take notes I write the date and an arbitrary symbol (lets say a *). So when you’re cramming for your next midterm and can’t tell where to begin in your notebook, just look for all the notes with a * next to the date and study those. Change the symbol for the next midterm.

  9. If you aren’t a morning person, don’t sign up for morning classes. You will skip them.

    If you plan on being social, don’t sign up for late evening classes. You will skip them.

    You want to find classes between 10 and 6 if at all possible. SHOW UP TO YOUR CLASSES

    You may not get the opportunity during your first year, but it doesn’t hurt to try. Approach your professors and inquire about research opportunities. Apply yourself during these opportunities. When you go to apply for a job or graduate school, you’ll want letters of recommendations. The professors you did research for will be happy to supply them.

    Find programs to volunteer in. Graduate schools and employers care about this.

    It is important to do well in school. But anyone can study at home and learn the same information. What you can’t get at home is the social experience. Network. Meet friends and surround yourself around people that are trying to succeed. When you need a job, these people will already have their foot in the door and will vouch for you.

    When you get a chance to take an elective, don’t pick a blow off class. Pick a course that you are actually interested in and something that will advance your skillsets. No one cares that you took bowling. If you take a few foreign language courses, that will make you much more marketable. You may find that you will also have the option to minor in another field.

    College shouldn’t be all about work. Assign time each day that you will be dedicated to working hard. But also assign time to relax and have fun. You are no longer living with your parents. You are your own boss and are responsible for your own quality of life. You need to be responsible, but set aside at least one day a week to just have a good time with no worries.

    No matter the advice people give you, no matter how strongly you believe it won’t happen to you, you will wait until the last minute. Your work will suffer for it and your education will suffer for it. Get a planner now, and when you have a project, don’t write in the due date. Set milestones for the project and put those milestones into planner. You might still wait until the last minute for each mile stone, but at least you will have several opportunities to realize how far behind you are and you will have the chance to get your shit in order.

    Don’t drink and drive. You are young. You are not good at driving and you certainly aren’t good at drinking, don’t try doing both.

    Recognize people around you that are at college for the wrong reasons and distance yourself from them. They will bring you down and your work and studies will suffer.

  10. After community college, universities will look more heavily at your gpa during your transfers. DO NOT FUCK UP COMMUNITY COLLEGE

  11. It might sound like the obvious but don’t get written up for stupid shit. I’m not saying to party or drink but always try to be aware of what’s going on. Party in someone else’s room and leave if it gets too crowded for example. if you’re smart about stuff you can cruise your way through college without having to deal with administration

Dear Cops of reddit, have you ever made an arrest you felt bad for?

  1. Not me, my dad. There was a little boy who died in the back seat of his grandmother’s car when she forgot he was there. She had been on night shift and her daughter had dropped her grandson off to be taken to daycare. Normally, the grandmother wouldn’t take him. It was outside of her normal routine. She was also almost completely deaf. She drove home, went for a nap, woke up and went to pick the little boy up from daycare. It wasn’t until they told her that he hadn’t arrived that day that she remembered he was still in her back seat. He’d been dead for hours.

    It’s easy to wonder how you could possibly forget about a child in the back seat, but all of the things I’ve totally forgotten about, as a young, well-rested person with all five of my senses…I don’t know.

    Anyway. I have never felt worse for someone in the history of hearing my dad’s arrest stories. That poor woman has to be destroying herself for that mistake.

    I’ll see if I can find a link to the news story.

    Edit: http://m.thespec.com/news-story/4243176-milton-grandma-sentenced-after-boy-dies-in-sweltering-car/

  2. /r/TalesFromTheSquadCar has many good stories, but the one that hit me the most was People Are Assholes, about a cop arresting a man and woman and their four year old kid who doesn’t understand why.

  3. I worked in a group home. We had a gentleman who lived there who had a developmental disability and was very impulsive. On occasion he would leave the home and go down to the corner convenience store. He had no concept of money, so he would take a candy bar or a soda and leave without paying. The store knew us and would call us and we would walk down and pay.
    One day, the store got a new manager. This asshole decides that he is going to press charges against the guy. So he calls the police and has him arrested. They finger print him and everything. This guy has no idea what is going on and he now has a criminal record. The police felt terrible about it and were not shy with sharing that with me. My staff and I never walked into that store again.

  4. Had to arrest a veteran suffering from PTSD. Poor guy, really hope he got the help he needed.

    Edit: Without going into too much detail, he was an OIF vet who also suffered from schizophrenia. He wasn’t arrested persay, just detained so we could bring him to the hospital to try and get him some help.

  5. I once arrested a deaf woman who decided to steal a couple purses that were valued at thousands of dollars a piece. She told me her story on the way to jail and I just wanted to open the door and let her go.

    Basically her son had just died in a tragic accident and her husband died recently as well. She said she saw the purses in a commercial and thought they would make her feel better.

    Once we got to jail there is a printed warning on the sally port door that tells all the incoming inmates that any type of sexual activities and rape is strictly prohibited. She looked at the sign and looked at me and said (with tears in her eyes and that deaf person sounding speech) “that’s not going to happen to me is it?”

    That is one of many.

    I really hate bringing good people to jail. We all make mistakes.

  6. I’m not a cop, but I worked loss prevention for about seven years, so I had my share of arrests. Sometimes it’s just kids making stupid choices, sometimes it’s professionals who do it for a living, and sometimes it’s people who don’t see another way, usually because of their pride.

    Had this one lady, my first summer on the job. She comes in with a duffel bag, and the boss, the guy training me, he points at her and says to me: “She’s gonna steal.” No hesitation, he just knew. I was still pretty green, but I knew he knew his shit, so I watched her. I’m following her around the store, around corners, through the cracks of displays, hiding behind chip racks… every trick I’d been shown. And wouldn’t you know it? She was stealing all right.

    At one point she’s on one side of a bread display. I’m on the other, but crouched down. She can’t see me, but I can see her hands stuffing things into this duffel bag. Razor blades, soap, shampoo, towels, what have you. And I can see her infant child sitting on the shopping cart seat. And the kid? Well the kid’s looking right at me. He’s too young to talk, but he sees me.

    The lady of course walks out, and we arrest her, bring her back to the office. Usually, people try to put up a bit of a front, maintain some dignity until at least they get into our office. She was barely keeping it together, sniffling, moaning… and when we started to read her her rights, she starts bawling. Apologizing. Explaining. Begging for mercy. My boss said no. She’d taken hundreds of dollars worth of stuff, not just some bread and milk or something, for survival. Towels and shit. She says she’s broke, but her kids wanted to go to the beach, and she had no beach stuff (towels, shorts, soap – all of which she had). Boss said no dice. I felt like a piece of shit. Because I know she’s leaving in cuffs. So where’s that leave her kid?

    Her options were bad. Have us call CPS, because somebody has to have the kid while she’s getting taken downtown… or call up the dad, from whom she was separated, who was fighting her for custody, to have him come pick up the infant child because she was caught stealing to try and support them. Pretty much a lose-lose option, she was probably gonna lose her kids. She wails. Apologizes. It doesn’t get her anything. All we can do is tell the cops she was cooperative. The cops say she also has a history, and it’s not looking good. Dad shows up, throwing daggers with his eyes at the lady. Takes the kid. The cops take the lady. All we have left is a bag of product she tried to steal, an empty office, and the silence…

    I know that she made her choices herself, and I didn’t make her steal. I know those kids might be better off without her kind of bullshit. I know she’d get her day in court and get to talk to a judge. I also know I never got subpoena’d, so she probably didn’t fight it.

    I arrested a lot of people after that. None of them made me as sad as that woman. What I remember most is her kid, looking right at me… that eye contact, that brief exchange of glances with an infant that would give shape to the memory of the whole event.

    I guess what makes me feel worse is knowing I’d do it again – HAVE done it again – and it didn’t make me feel bad anymore.

  7. I usually say fuck my command, and only make arrests I feel comfortable making. The few I have felt bad about were when I first came on, and I was pressured to get my “numbers” up. Mostly they were for driving on suspended licenses, which is a stupid thing to get locked up for. Most of my arrests are for domestic violence, cause I don’t play with that shit.

  8. Cops can use their discretion if they catch or see someone doing something illegal, but if someone is pressing charges they have no choice.

  9. Sheriff Intern here!!

    I was part of a 3rd Shift ride-along (2300-0700) ride along on Valentines Day. It was about 11:30pm (2330) and we ran a plate that showed an expired licence. We pulled over the SUV.

    The license that came back was registered to a woman. That woman was the passenger of the vehicle. Also, should add she was pregnant. The driver of an SUV was an African American man who was dressed SUPER fly. I mean argyle sweater, matching Nikes, dress pants, etc. He was on probation for something, I don’t exactly remember. He had not been drinking, smoking, speeding, he was doing NOTHING wrong. We simply ran plates on the basis of reasonable suspicion, which is perfectly legal.

    But the driver was on probation. We called up his parole officer and they called a hold on him (arrest him). It is Valentines Day. This guy was doing nothing wrong, probably driving back to get some, and we are arresting him. Should also add Valentines Day was on a Friday this year. This means he was not released until Monday morning.

    Felt really bad for the guy.

  10. Good buddy of mine is a new cop. His very first arrest was a 19 y/o, public intoxication. The kid just got out of a mental institution 3 days before for a suicide attempt. He felt pretty bad.

  11. I’m not a cop, but when I got arrested for stealing alcohol I met a cop who had a great sense of humor and was possibly trying to lighten the mood. I don’t know if he felt sorry for me or not, because I was obviously scared, but I really appreciated it, because I still laugh at it.

    I was handcuffed to a rail on the wall of this room, as I waited to be processed. He was just passing through and asked me and the guy being detained across from me what we did. He was also there for retail theft, but stole a bunch of jeans. When I told him I was there for stealing alcohol, he looked down at my shoes, which were a pair of beat up Chucks and said,

    “Man, you should’ve tried to steal a new pair of shoes, because those are fucked up.” I couldn’t help but laugh and the other guy did too, as the cop walked away.

    Edit: a couple of pronouns

  12. I have a question. Do cops have a good reason for issuing DWI’s for people who are sleeping in the passenger’s seat of the car, or are otherwise showing reasonable doubt that they do not intend to drive?

    This has happened to a lot of people I know, and I’ve had to rely on sleeping in my car plenty of times after drinking. I put my keys inside the gas cap door that could only be opened from the inside, and prayed that it was enough to keep me out of trouble.

    I know the whole quota thing is more or less a myth, but what is the reasoning for DWI’s in those conditions?

  13. ITT: people who still think being a cop is black and white.

  14. I was on the receiving end of this arrest, but I know the officer felt bad about it because he said so.

    It was back in high school, 4 friends and I were out at night goofing off in our suburb when we decided to prank a girl we knew. She had been our friend until we found out that she was spreading nasty rumors about each of us, as well as some of our other friends (In my case she had told the best friend of a girl that I had almost managed to make into my first girlfriend that all I wanted was a blowjob. I would have been happy for a girl to hold my hand but whatever.) So we went to her house and found a recycling bin full of newspapers, as well as an old sack lunch, and decided that it was all we needed. So we put the dry newspapers all over her car until it was nearly covered, and I put some apple slices that were left in the bag on her car as well. Thinking we got away with it we scampered off into the night.

    Well turns out we weren’t so lucky. The girl had called the cops and wanted to press charges, so the next day at school my friends and I received the dark red office notes and went in to face the music. When I got to the office they sent me back to the principal and he had a cop with him. The first thing the cop said to me was, “I really wish that I didn’t have to do this because it is incredibly stupid, but I have to place you under arrest.”

    Turns out I was guilty of criminal mischief III, thankfully my diversion councilor said that I just needed better things to do with my time. So I went and watched “what the bleep do we know”, told him about it, and poof it was gone from my record.

  15. I had a friend of mine who had to arrest a teen for verbally assaulting his mother. In the car, he notices cigarette burns under his sleeve and he learns that the kid went off on his mom for doing that, and that she called the cops for him calling her a bitch. Poor kid had to be taken at the station anyway. If I was the officer, God help me…

What is the best anti-joke you have ever heard?

  1. i shit you not, i once read on the back of a Scooby Doo-themed halloween Snickers fun bar,

    >Q: What kind of shampoo does Scooby Doo use?

    >A: Scooby shampoo.

  2. A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

  3. What’s funny about four black guys in a Cadillac driving off of a cliff?

    Nothing they were my friends.

  4. Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there’s this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, “Say, what’s up with the guy with the big orange head?” And the bartender says, “It’s an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he’ll tell it to you.”

    So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, “Yeah, I’ll bet you want to know the story, huh?” To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.”

    The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, I’ve gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little — when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

    “The genie thundered, ‘You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.’

    The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: “So I said, ‘Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.’

    “The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills — I mean, I was loaded!

    “So I said, ‘Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.’

    “The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

    “The genie booms, ‘You have one wish remaining.'”

    The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

  5. What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?

    A pilot.

  6. “A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him, he rolls over and starts to sob because he knows his marriage is in shambles.”

  7. Do you know the reason Michael J. Fox makes really good milkshakes?

    Because he uses the best ingredients.

  8. How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

  9. How do you make a plumber cry?

    Kill his entire family

  10. Two chemists walk into a bar, the first chemist says “I’d like a glass of H2O” so the bar tender gives him a glass of water, the other chemist says “I’d like a glass of H2O too” and the bar tender gives him a glass of water because no bar would serve its customer a glass of hydrogen peroxide.

  11. Yo mom is so fat

    we are all concerned about her health

  12. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

    Robin, get in the Batmobile.

  13. What did the black man say when he lost his son?

    “Has anyone seen my son?”

  14. What did my grandpa say just before he kicked the bucket?

    “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

  15. Ask me if I am a tree.

Gamers of Reddit, what game were you never able to 100% complete?

  1. Banjo-Kazooie. I’ve had it for 15 years, and I’ve played through multiple times, doing a little better each time. I know where all the notes, jiggies, witch-switches, and honeycombs are on every level. I once skipped the last level entirely because I had collected all the notes from every other level, and if you do that, you have enough to open the last note-door without playing the last level at all. I opened all the secret doors that double your health, feathers, and eggs.

    But I have never once defeated Gruntilda. Fuck that sky battle.

  2. It’s pretty safe to say that no one sane has ever fully completed Just Cause 2.

  3. Donkey Kong 64, some stupid glitch ended my game at 99% and I couldn’t go back to collect what I needed.

    Edit: some clarification on what happened. Towards the end of the game there are like 5 golden bananas that are each inside a tube. You complete some puzzle to unlock the tubes and the bananas are supposed to be collected. I did not know this part so I proceeded without collecting them. Once I beat the game (99%) I went back to collect these bananas except now they were transparent and I would just walk right through them.

    tl:dr Ghost bananas

  4. Super Meat Boy tore my rage muscle.

  5. That one Ghost Recon game that required you to be the top player in the world for an acievement.

  6. Lion King on the Sega Genesis.

    Fuck that game. Fuck those giraffes.

  7. Spyro on PS1 when I was like 4. I had no idea what I was doing…

  8. 95% of my steam library.

  9. Gears of War 3

    100% completion means getting that Seriously 3.0 achievement.

  10. Animal Crossing. I never paid my debt…

  11. Morrowind

  12. Viva Pinata. Worst part was I knew exactly what I had to do but the game was bugged or something so I could never get it to work. 49/50 achievements forever I guess ;_;

  13. All of them. I’ll complete the campaigns but I wont 100% it

  14. Assassins creed brotherhood. Does it look like I have the time to collect 50+ FUCKING HIDDEN BORGIA FLAGS

  15. Gran Turismo. Doesn’t matter which one